How quick are you to say sorry when you have got something wrong? How important is it to you that others acknowledge their own mistakes?
I heard a politician on the radio recently apologising. Whatever you think of them, there are a lot of politicians about just now spouting forth in these crazy political times. Much angst, rhetoric, confusion, disillusionment and cynicism, as well as a fair dose of despair when we consider what sort of country and world our next generation will be living in.
Anyway, back to this particular politician. It was quoted on the news that he had apologised for a verbal fracas the previous day. However, on closer scrutiny of what he actually said, he was doing nothing of the sort. In actuality, he was apologising for any offence caused by his remarks. No word of apology for the remarks themselves or the underlying attitude.
This kind of political spinning is common, sadly. And it makes me cross because it demonstrates such a lack of integrity and good character. What sort of example is that to pass on to anyone, let alone those of a younger and more formative generation, as we have been musing here of late?
It is easy to write politicians off and consider that we ourselves would never behave in such ways.
But how often do we apologise and keep it straight and simple?
If we are really honest with ourselves, how often do we add a wee qualifier onto the end of the apology? This diminishes the value of the apology itself and keeps us in a position of power over the subject of the apology. We still are not prepared to fully admit we were wrong, and defensively justify our behaviour.
An apology should be just that – a simple, uncluttered and unadulterated
I’m really sorry. I messed up and got it wrong. I have hurt you.”
And then we stop and close our mouths and resist the temptation to say…
…BUT
So often however our pride prompts us to stick the knife in by adding that ‘but’.
‘I’m sorry but I wasn’t thinking…’
‘I’m sorry but I usually get it right…’
‘I’m sorry but I was busy doing lots of other worthy things….[subtext: look at how important I am]
‘I’m sorry but look at all these other things I have done for you….’
Or worst of all –
‘I’m sorry but YOU did/didn’t have/haven’t….’
Nasty. Dangerous, and very damaging.
We have all done it – possibly this very week.
But as we reflect on what it is to grow in good character, and pass that on to the children in our lives – being quick to say sorry, and having our sorry mean that and that alone is incredibly important.
Kids notice things. We expect them to say sorry to their sibling for hitting them, or to us for forgetting their chores, or to their teacher for lying about their schoolwork. Or whatever misdemeanour is pertinent.
And yet do they experience us apologising to them for forgetting something important to them, for being distracted and not giving them our full attention, for breaking something of theirs?
Even more important is what they witness when we don’t know that they are watching. Do they see us apologise to our partner when we have said something hurtful or shouted angry words? Or do they see us make a half apology and then add that fateful word BUT…and apportion blame elsewhere, or go on the defensive, or make excuses.
Our children learn from what they see of us and our behaviour.
That is a hard truth. So how often do the children and young people in your life see you offer a genuine, humble apology? Do they see you admit when you get it wrong, see that that has not destroyed you but there is scope to make amends, learn and move on? To show the person to whom we are apologising that they and their feelings matter more than our pride?
So this week, when you have a chance to say sorry to someone, let your sorry be just that: a simple, humble and BUT-free apology.